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Feb 04 2013

Harrow Council’s Education Department – End of Year School Report

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Dear Education Department,

Having reviewed the Application for Planning Permission submitted for the Vaughan School expansion, here is your school report:

English

Not a very good start, your work contains four spelling mistakes which falls well below the standard expected from an Education Department. You must try harder.

Maths

We learnt about measurements last term so I am very surprised that your answer to the question, “Is your proposal within 20 metres of a water course” was “No”. I know you are spending thousands of pounds rerouting the underground culvert but it will still be within 20 metres.

When counting the number of staff you have omitted to include the teaching assistants. You may not like them but you must include them. Your attention to detail needs working on.

You also missed some of the existing car park spaces. There are 39 at present meaning there will be four less in future not the nine extra as stated. You must stop day dreaming and pay attention to what you are doing.

Counting is clearly an issue so back to basics for you. Now, after me…1,2,3,4,…..

Geography

Your application says that Vaughan School is in ‘Vaughan Road’. That’s where the old Vaughan School was which closed many, many years ago. Vaughan School’s correct address is “The Gardens”. Please ask your parents to buy you a new atlas for your birthday otherwise you might end up putting buildings in the wrong place. I also recommend that you start studying history.

Science

You have answered “No” to the question “Is any hazardous waste involved in the proposal”. You must have the memory of a Goldfish! We covered this just before Christmas when the local papers said that there was Asbestos in Vaughan School and you didn’t know what it was. I spent a whole lesson explaining. Now, please write out “Asbestos is a Hazardous Substance” 50 times.

P.E.

I am sorry that we haven’t had the opportunity for any exercise this term but I am assured by the Harrow Council drainage team that if the new school is built then the new playground and car park will flood as they are having to
lower them both to account for the fact that the new school is being built on a flood plain. Therefore there will be ample opportunity for swimming, water polo and canoeing…… for you aspiring Tom Daley’s, it will probably be deep enough for a spot of diving too.

Summary

Overall I am very disappointed with your performance this year. Your time keeping has been appalling – this application was due on my desk before Christmas. I know you blamed the failure of your technology but that one’s
wearing thin now and is only slightly more credible than ‘the dog ate my homework’

I am extremely disappointed with your reluctance to answer questions in class.

Your manners need some attention too – you must not talk to your friends when the teacher is asking you a question, it is very rude. I have to say that a lot of your behaviour this year merited a detention – but I’m not sure anyone would have noticed.

Finally, it would be unfair of me to finish without acknowledging your flair for imagination and creativity especially when applied to the schools rules and regulations.

I look forward to a better year from you in 2013.

A N Resident, Headmaster

[notice]The above is a contributed article by a reader of iharrow.com.[/notice]

 

 

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1 comment

  1. MouthAlmighty

    HILARIOUS and so apt. Thank you for making me laugh out loud!

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