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Sep 08 2014

Imagine, Harrow in 20 Years Time…

guest_postGuest post, from a reader who asks to remain anonymous…

It’s currently some time in September, and the year is 2034. Here’s how iharrow.com might report on life…

Harrow Corporation today announced the lifting of the Town Centre curfew, which has been in place each night between 6.00pm and 8.00am for the last few months, following the Mandatory Council Tax riots in the summer. Readers will recall that Lord Dave “Red” Perry’s Executive Council, operating from it’s high-security luxury underground bunker on the old Harrow Boys School site, placed an immediate 18% rise in the Mandatory Council Tax fee, which saw the riots kick off along Hall Boulevard in the Town Centre Sector over the July Public Holiday weekend. The town centre will be patrolled by Harrow Corp’s own armed security guards, to keep the peace, and groups of two or more people will be barred from entering. Residents are reminded also that their Harrow Corp Biometric ID cards will still be needed at the entrances at the boundary of the Town Centre Sector. Parking is still available at the St Idaikkadar Shopping Complex and parking fees have been reduced to £90/day to encourage residents to visit the area.

On a brighter front, following a massive reduction in the amount of waste and recycling being collected, Harrow Corp is reintroducing the monthly bin collections. Waste Receptacles A, C and E will be collected on even-number months, and Receptacles B, D and F will be collected on odd-numbered months. Bins G through T will be collected annually. Residents are reminded that paper with less than 11.4% recycled material should still be placed into Receptacle A, until further notice, unless coloured inks have been used, in which case they should use Receptacle F. However, if inks contain more than 0.2% mauvine, they should be taken to the Corporation’s Recycling Facility during it’s usual open hours of 2.15 – 2.45pm on Tuesdays. The Corporation is still carrying out stop and search procedures at the Facility, so apologises for any delay in gaining access.

Following a Private Finance Initiative scheme, the A312 is set to be closed whilst toll-collecting equipment is installed at the entry to the Roxeth Zone. As part of the scheme, any pothole larger than 300 cubic centimetres will be repaired, hopefully by the end of the PFI’s scheme in 2044. Harrow Corp’s press release acknowledges that potholes smaller than this may be difficult to see, especially with the removal of all street lighting to save money, and urges drivers to exercise extreme caution when using the road.

Charlie Entwhistle, the last remaining road sweeper retires at the end of the year, allowing Harrow Corp to finally complete it’s plans to convert the Forward Drive depot into a Super High-Intensity Training Centre. By doing so, Harrow Corporation will be the first pan-London Zone to reduce unemployment to zero, following the of introduction of new Unemployment Benefit rules which mean those taking a Super High-Intensity Training course will no longer be counted as unemployed, despite claiming unemployment benefit.

The Resident Road Cleaning Force in Stanmore Park came bottom, yet again, for volume of litter collected. The 7.2% penalty charge will be added to Mandatory Council Tax Bills automatically next month. However, Harrow Corporation is pleased to announce a discount scheme for Mandatory Council Tax, available to those residents over the age of 90 who can present themselves, with both parents, at the Corpration’s Easy-to-Use Self Service kiosk, just behind Carlisle railway station. To avoid excess queues, residents are advised to call the Corporation’s Self Service Reservation Service on 0901 887 5124 (calls cost £12.50 per minute, plus a connection fee of £17.20 with a minimum charge of £74.26 from a landline). Note that there is a small £145 charge to reserve an eight-hour slot.

Police matters now… Reported crime across the Zone has fallen dramatically. Commissioner Ovens takes full credit for this excellent news: clearly the removal of all resident-facing officers, police stations, and elimination of the 999 service in the Zone has had a fantastic effect.

The Corporation’s new planning policy seems to be having a good effect on the recovery of the Zonal Shopping Districts, with less than 2% of all units remaining un-let, according to figures released today. The Corporation goes to great pains to point out that even though a shop may appear to be closed, only properties that have been closed for more than 96 consecutive months are counted as being ‘closed’ for statistical purposes.

Finally, the Corporation has decided to merge all remaining libraries, due to lack of usage. No library will be closed as part of this process. Some residents have complained that when books were removed late last year, they had no reason to visit. The Corporation denies this to be the case, noting that it distributes many useful materials to the libraries for residents to read. A check on a local library last week revealed that all 17 volumes of the Zonal Waste Recying (Sorting) (2032) Guidelines were available, for any residents confused as to which waste receptacle should be used. Signed photographs of Lord Perry were also available.

Footnote: tjhe Whitchurch Fields Sewage Plant is having an open day during the first weekend of October. The event, sponsored by the Corporation will include a tour of the facility, a look at some really big tanks of poo, and a chance to see some big pipes come out of the ground.

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14 comments

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  1. old englishman

    at last harrow council has reached there goal; every cash machine in the borough has its own cctv camera so that when you stop to draw your cash you will get usual £500 parking fine
    this to operate for 24 hrs (like the tesco cash machine in rayners lane had in 2014) one big improvement in 2034 the motor car has disapeared and thousands now walk to work on the motorways and roads with large influx of 1 wheel cyclists on the cycle tracks .. m25 has a macdonalds venue every 10 miles with sleeping accomodation. and sauna.
    Harrow now completely flooded with indian resturants and veg shops / buses replaced by the rickshaws, .there is still the occasional english fish and chip shop(.run by the last few english resiidents) and the ROYAL OAK is the last public house in the borough (230 yrs old )

  2. Manji Kara

    Paul, Brilliant! Just Brilliant!

  3. PATHMAN

    You have common sense, intelegence,Good Humour and very good vision. People like you are not good for politics. You will win nothing. To win elections you need sound bites, economical with truth and play your cards close to your chest and never answer any questions. By the way in 2014 Labour Leader only works for an hour for the council and earns £1m pocket money. Please try some other profession which is honourable.

  4. mike mcfadden

    You forgot to mention the level of violence that almost destroyed what was left of the English way of life due to the corrupt practises first put in force under Nu-Labour that started the unrest and turmoil. The politicising of our Police, Schools, NHS and cleansing them of Englishness and our way of life. UKIP that was started by that great visionary Nigel Farage fought valiantly against the hordes that entered our once green and pleasant land illegally but the traitors that opened our boarder’s also destroyed our defences by stealth, lies and subterfuge. Allowing disease and pestilence that destroy all of Europe to come here almost unabated. The trails and summary execution of the traitors that started our demise have been suspended and it was decided that they and their entire families would be thrown on to the diseased streets to suffer the dreadful end that their corrupt family members had started and nurtured under the idiocy of multiculturalism and fairness for all, a communist pipe dream that bought about human destruction on an unseen and unprecedented scale. The political elite were one of the first institutions to crumble due to their own incestuous beliefs that they new best and the plebs didn’t count. The rest is history.

    1. red mirror

      yes mate and it doesent effect the likes of blair the psycopath hes far too busy earning mega bucks at after dinner speaches but my freind mike these olympians and followers of straussAND the other behind the scenes one world order looneys time is short people like us who try to wake people up are derided and laughed at i wish more people would read the protocols of the learned elders of zion called a forgery by the poersthat be but my god what a forgery its the blueprint for the world we live in AND THERES NO CONSPIRACY? GOD BLESS YOU MIKE DONT DESPAIR .

      1. mike mcfadden

        I certainly don’t despair. I’m fully aware all scam’s fail at some stage but to think there is no conspiracy is rally putting your head in the sand. Nu-Labour were all communist thugs and hater’s of Englishness and the English, bought up entirely on politics of envy. Blair just a mischievous misfit, Brown studded communism for 10 years of this 18 years as a student and has a degree in same, Darling a devout Trotsky, Reid a fully paid up communist until he became Home Secretary. Can a Leopard change his spots? Philby, Burgess and Mclean all over again. Those that do not learn from history are bound to repeat the same mistakes. Why has so much been locked away for 100 years? Is the truth so horrific the public would want the death penalty at once!!! Oh I forgot lessons will be learnt!!! Oh no they won’t. While liars rule the roost. We must demand and have change to deal with the problems that face our culture and way of life. Those that stand in our way must be removed. Things can only get better!!!!!!

        1. red mirror

          you know it only took 3 percent of the population of the us to win indpendence we can make a difference unfortunatley these days the word teacher is synonomos with threat we must do the thinking for our brothers and sisters it is a real treat to see somone with some nous and idea as to whats really going on all too often i come across ridicule these parasites in government have done a great job of dumbing down the masses through flouride and aspartame the nazis put flouride in the drinking water of the camps (for dental health of course )but tell joe blow that and its a blank stare then youre mad as he bites into his chemical burger from hen hut BUT the tide will turn take care my man and thaks.

  5. Someonewhocares

    Fabulous – laughed out loud throughout,
    then I thought ‘wait a minute,
    IS this so far-fetched?’

    Visionary!

  6. Angelina

    Absolute genius best laugh today so far!

  7. Lisa

    Absolutely great giiggled all the way through this

  8. Concerned Harrovian

    Very funny. I agree with Someonewhocares “IS this so far fetched.” The administration in Harrow seems to be using the book “Animal Farm” as its manual on how to run things.

  9. jp hobbs

    Don’t worry Ebola will save you going thru all this suffering ,

  10. mike mcfadden

    JP, the point being just that!!! There are no cures for a virus like the common cold. People go to their Dr demanding antibiotics to kill a virus. “NO SUCH THING” Two things with a virus it will kill you or it wont. Simple no tricks no maybes.
    Now our scenario is 20/30 years on with no boarders. In the past viruses that hit earth have stayed local and to all intent and purpose burnt themselves out by kill all things locally. A bit like a forest fire once burnt out it goes out. However, with mass unfettered movement the virus can travel fast mutating all the time and once it goes airborne there very little chance of stopping it. Its O.k for those that can’t face reality and want to bury their heads in the sand fine but one day the only way to stop the virus wiping out mankind will be to stop travel DEAD.

  11. j p hobbs

    MM That was my point , thanks .

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